Wait... Colbert Got Fired a Month Ago?
Blame "Baby Doll"
[Editor’s note: The author writes for Gutfeld — correction, that’s Gutfeld! — so the following post is consequently biased. Also, I don’t have an editor.]
Stephen Colbert’s remaining fans received some good news last Thursday night, and some bad news.
The good news: The Late Show scored its best ratings all year. Take that, Drumpf!
The bad news: Those extra viewers wanted to watch Colbert announce the end of the show, which has aired on CBS since 1993.
Apparently, even the crew didn’t know Colbert was making this announcement. Oof.
Even with that funerary boost in the ratings, Colbert still lost to the show I write for every day. Which kinda blows my mind, but here we are.1
But when did Colbert get the bad news? When did his bosses make the decision? And how does it square with the media’s conspiracy theory that Donald Trump himself got Colbert fired for #SpeakingTruthToPower?
Stephen Colbert reportedly didn’t know The Late Show had been canceled until more than two weeks after CBS made the call—because his manager kept the news from him while he was on vacation.
In new report for The Ankler, veteran trade journalist Lesley Goldberg writes that CBS executives informed Colbert’s longtime manager, James “Baby Doll” Dixon, on June 27 that they were pulling the plug on the show. But Colbert “would not learn the news of his show’s demise until he returned from vacation,” Goldberg reports.
“It was after Colbert taped the Wednesday, July 16 episode, I’m told, that Dixon informed him of CBS’ decision,” she writes.
First of all: Colbert’s manager is called “Baby Doll”? Sounds like a ‘70s street pimp, which seems appropriate. I guess he was waiting to break the news to Colbert until he could find a way to blame Bad Orange Man?
Okay, let’s unpack this news. Colbert’s bosses at CBS made this decision on June 27. That’s three full weeks before he made the announcement.
And it was well before Colbert publicly blasted CBS for settling the Trump lawsuit. So his valorous act of truth-telling dissent wasn’t what prompted his cancellation, despite the conspiracy theories being spread by CNN reporters and their fellow Democrats.
Scribble this backwards on a Post-It and stick it on your big fat forehead so you can see it in the mirror, Brian Stelter: CBS didn’t fire Colbert for criticizing Trump.
Hell, Colbert has been bashing Trump since his very first episode. That’s his whole brand! Which is how he managed to drive away half of his potential viewers.
If Colbert was being punished for criticizing Trump, why did it take 10 years? And why are they giving him almost one more year to do so?
My favorite lib coping mechanism right now: “If Trump had nothing to do with Colbert’s firing, why is he bragging about it? Answer that one, MAGAts!”
Well, that’s easy: Donald Trump has a lifelong habit of taking credit for things he didn’t actually do. Why do you believe him now? Because you want to, that’s why.2
Friday night’s Late Show was a rerun. When Colbert came back on Monday, the show opened with this bit of professional comedy:
Get it?
Yes, most of the remaining late-night hosts were in the audience. Which only reminds the viewer that there are still too many of those guys on TV, and we haven’t watched them in years.
Look, I’m trying to be karma-conscious and avoid gloating too much. Long, long ago, I was a Colbert fan.3 And I do feel bad for his staffers. Even the writers. Just because I’m funnier than they are doesn’t mean it can’t happen to me.4
Colbert himself will be fine, though. He’s insanely rich, just a few years away from retirement age. And now he’s a bona fide liberal martyr. Sure, his victimhood is based on a lie, but since when does that matter?
Now he’ll have a standing invitation on whichever talk shows are still left by the time I publish this. His podcast will be in the top 10 on iTunes, at least initially. He’ll probably host an awards show or two, where he’ll get a standing ovation for his noble sacrifice.
The only real damage is to Colbert’s ego. He spent a full decade mocking and deriding Trump, and it had worse than no effect. He made a lot of money, but he still failed.
If anything, Colbert helped Trump. Libs should be glad he’s cancelled before he hurts their agenda even further.
Attack me next, Stephen. I want to be president too!
Ozzy Osbourne, R.I.P.
This one really hurts. Ozzy’s music meant a lot to me as a teenager, mostly because of the friends who introduced me to it. I knew one kid who must’ve bought Diary of a Madman on cassette 10 times. His mom kept throwing it out, and he kept saving up his money to buy a new one.
It seems almost quaint now, but parents really were worried that listening to Ozzy and Judas Priest and AC/DC would turn us into devil-worshippers. But they didn’t worry that The A-Team would turn us into muscular African-American gentlemen with Mohawks, which was equally likely.
Ozzy was just fun to watch. He was like a cartoon character. A horror host. How could anybody hate him?
I did feel kinda bad for Ozzy when he became a reality-TV star and turned into a punchline, but the joke was on his haters because he made a fortune. And he was genuinely funny and self-effacing, when you could understand what the hell he was saying.
Ozzy kept on going until the end, performing his final concert with Black Sabbath just a few weeks ago. Like the song says: “All my life, I’ve been over the top / I don’t know what I’m doing, all I know is I don’t wanna stop!”
Just imagine how starstruck the Grim Reaper must be right now!
Goodbye, Ozzy. You were so awesome.
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Yes, Gutfeld! airs 90 minutes earlier and more people are awake. But Fox News is available in 140 million fewer homes than CBS. So it kinda evens out.
I don’t believe Trump in this case, and I almost never do. That’s why his fans hate me. Hi, guys!
When Craig Kilborn got fired from The Daily Show in 1998 for saying his writer Lizz Winstead would probably fellate him on demand, I wanted Colbert to take over the show. And he was really funny on Strangers with Candy. Google it!
That’s not really a boast, guys. I’ve had dental surgery that was funnier than Colbert’s writers.
"parents really were worried that listening to Ozzy and Judas Priest and AC/DC would turn us into devil-worshippers" . . . hah, hah, silly them. On the other hand, the way our society has descended into insanity and perversion, perhaps our parents/grandparents were on to something when they warned against "sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll." I know correlation is not causation . . . but, still.
I just want someone to tell me when Colbert was funny. I've been on this mudball for 65 years and I don't remember a time when he was ever (intentionally) funny.