Who's Joe?
All Hail Kween Kamala
It’s Wednesday, July 24, 2024, and the mainstream media is working diligently to erase Joe Biden like he’s a sibling in Marty McFly’s family photo.
Just days ago, he vowed to fight to the very end. The only one who could stop Orange Hitler. Now he’s the lamest duck who ever tried to tread water.
For almost four years, the Dems lied to themselves about him, and did their damnedest to silence the rest of us. And it worked.
Until it didn’t.
Now he’s getting pushed out on an ice floe.1 He’s still clinging to what’s left of his power, but it’s all Joever but the shoutin’. The ex-lifeguard is seeping blood into the water, and the sharks are hungry.
A month from now, it’ll be like he was never even president. Hell, at the rate they’re furiously rewriting recent history, they might finish the mass mind-wipe within a week.
Find ‘im, fete ‘im, f*** ‘im, forget ‘im. We’re heading into that last phase.
The old man finally returned to the public eye yesterday, proving he’s still alive and can move under his own power.2 He delicately exited his limo, walked up the big-boy steps to Air Force One all by himself without falling, and executed a crisp salute to the watching world. With Jill nowhere to be seen.
He wanted to get everything right, because it was the last time.3
That’s after his initial proof of life on Monday, when he called into Kamala’s emergency campaign launch. It was obviously him — no, not an actor, not AI — and he did not sound good.
So now we know he can still speak, and we know he can still walk under his own power. We just don’t know if he can do both at the same time.
He’s supposed to address the country tonight in prime time. I wonder what he’ll talk about?
I think America is about to get our first female president of the United States.
Sorry, Hillary!
Politics is just a series of coping mechanisms, a way to deny reality in order to focus on a common goal. The discipline of rationalizing all lies except those told by the enemy.
We’re seeing that all over the place this week, as frazzled and distraught Democrats struggle to change horses midstream. How do they rework all the old lies to benefit their new figurehead?
Usually when a political party switches from an older presidential candidate to a younger one, the public has four years to forget all the previous arguments (“Age and experience!”) and absorb the new ones (“Youth and vigor!”).
This time, Dems got about four hours.
They’re doing their best, though. They’re already hitting Trump on his age, which is both valid and wildly hypocritical. But hey, that’s politics. One day you’re screaming about “cheapfakes” and calling Biden a “super-ager,” and the next you’re telling me Trump is too old to be president. When the current sitting president is even older than him.
If you’re a Democrat, what’s your argument for keeping Biden in power?
You just executed a successful media campaign to push him out of the race. Kween Kamala will have to answer for every new blunder he makes for the next 105 days. Shouldn’t you want her behind that desk ASAP?
How are you gonna go after Trump’s age, when the literal president of the United States is still rotting away in the world’s most expensive nursing home?
How does Kamala Harris campaign on the past four years of her political career with the Crypt Keeper looking over her shoulder? She’ll have a tough enough time as it is, trying to make voters forget the guy who’s currently being unpersoned by the Democratic Party.
That’s the doublethink they’re relying on right now: “Kamala is good because she was vice president, and never you mind who was president.” If anybody can thread that needle, it’s a Democrat voter.
And has anybody actually given a reason for Biden dropping out of the race? We all know the real reason, but what’s the official excuse?
More than “It’s for the good of the country,” I mean. If he’d be bad for the country after January 20, why is he good for us today?
“But Kamala will make a great president!” Okay then, she could be doing the job right now. Today.
Why isn’t she?
If you’re so excited by her “history-making potential,” why don’t you want that old man to go away? Your new savior awaits.
There’s only one elderly white dude standing in the way of history right now. And he ain’t Donald Trump.
Arguments for preferring Kamala to Biden:
Not 81
Not white
Can climb stairs
Different set of strange verbal tics
Prettier
Better dancer
Did I mention not white
No apparent criminal conspiracies (other than lying about Joe’s brain)
Family seems more weird than outright crazy
Loves to laugh pretty much all the time
Of course, now everybody knows she lied about Joe’s health for four years. But whatever, right? The journalists and all their fellow Democrats are too desperate to worry about such minor details.
They’ve got a democracy to save. This is no time for the truth!
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: She can win. I wouldn’t put money on it, because Trump seems tough to beat right now. Shaking your fist in defiance after an assassination attempt will rally your party behind you like nothing else. But it’s not impossible. She’s a terrible candidate, but so was Hillary and she almost pulled it off.
Republicans shouldn’t get cocky. Just look at how much has happened in just the last month. Everything’s been upended. And we’ve got three more months to go.
Expect more craziness. And less sleep.
The past month has been really tough on Dank Brandon, and he’s had enough. Here he is calling out Kamala, Charli XCX, and all this “brat” nonsense everybody’s talking about all of a sudden:
You’ll have to pardon his language like he’s gonna pardon Hunter.
(Big ups to @MidnightMitch for doing all the work!)
My new favorite band.
WHAAAAAAAAT?!?
Wow.
The Warning are three enormously talented sisters from Monterrey, Mexico who started playing together when they were kids. Here they are in 2014, covering “Enter Sandman” by Metallica:
They learned by playing Rock Band, and now they’re a damn good one in real life.
What a testament to the power of the internet. Three little girls grew up with instant access to an entire library of music, made decades before they were born, on demand. No other generation in human history has had that ability. So they listened, and learned, and now they’re putting it into practice.
In a world full of Taylors and Billies and Charlis, it does my Gen X heart good to see young people keeping my beloved rock music alive. Making it the old-fashioned way, with human hands hitting things, drums and strings.
And feeling it. They look like they’re having a blast, don’t they? They’re doing what they were born to do, and they know it.
Rock springs eternal!
Hang in there, dear reader. Endure the dumbness. And try to get some sleep. I haven’t.
I’m not sure the Eskimos ever really did that whole “ice floe” thing to their elders, but it’s fun to think about. I mean horrible! Horrible to think about.
I genuinely thought Biden might be dead or in a coma. That’s the problem with being a sneaky asshole your whole life: When you disappear, nobody believes your explanation, even if it’s true. The Boy Who Cried Malarkey.
But then, five days ago I predicted Biden would stay in the race. A couple of weeks before that, I predicted Trump would always have two fully intact ears. I don’t know $#!+ about $#!+.
Did you know if you pronounce Kamala's name wrong, that is now a hate crime? True story.
Anyways ... some are saying that Kamala is an example of failing upward. She was pretty terrible at everything she's ever done, including being VP. But it's not that, rathe she's emblematic of the Bingo Card Politics gripping the D-State Party. You can call it DEI if you want.
Qualifications are no longer based in the reality of substance, measureable or otherwise. Nope, you're qualified on how you fill out the Diversity Bingo Card. And Kami checks off the most boxes, and it's why Mayor Bootyjuice will probably be the veep, as he checks off the last remaining, being The Gay.
And don't forget kids, if you're a straight white male then you're the Free Space in this stupid game. Which means it can be filled anytime by literally anyone.
The Warning are a fabulous group - they are steeped in rock, and they give hope for the genre. I loved seeing Lizzy Hale of Halestorm give Warning guitarist Daniela Villarreal her personal copy of her Lizzy Hale Signature model Gibson Explorer on stage, and Daniela was overwhelmed with emotion. They get it, and they grateful to be able to go out and play live to people that enjoy the music. The kids are alright.