Who Had a Better Weekend, Joe Biden or Will Smith?
(Somebody explain to Joe who Will Smith is)
President Joseph Robinette Biden Jr. may have inadvertently started World War III over the weekend. Let’s hope that serves as a lesson to anyone who thought he wouldn’t accomplish anything.
“For God’s sake, this man cannot remain in power.” Biden said it. Out loud. Into a microphone. We all witnessed it for ourselves.
But the White House instantly scrambled to reassure everybody, unpersuasively, that the public words of POTUS do not reflect the official stance of the United States. Biden actually meant the opposite of what he said, you see.
And when he was asked about it the very next day:
This is a lie. The statement “Putin cannot remain in power” and the statement “I am not calling for regime change in Russia” cannot both be true. They directly contradict each other. But you’re expected to go along with the doublethink, because otherwise you’re a Trump supporter or something.
I don’t claim to know the best course of action in Ukraine right now. But if the president of the United States is going to kick off World War III, I’d prefer if it were at least intentional.
Now the libs are torn between “I’m glad Joe said that” and “Joe obviously didn’t say that, you idiots.” Good luck cleaning up after this confused old man yet again, you miserable lickspittles.
I didn’t watch the Oscars because it was the Oscars, so I missed all the fun when something interesting actually happened. This was the first televised Academy Awards that included a black-on-black crime:
Here’s the uncensored audio:
Remember when Will Smith was cool and laid-back?
Chris Rock didn’t exchange anything. He told a joke, Will Smith went nuts, and Rock didn’t hit back. He just kept doing what he was there to do.
Nobody would’ve even remembered a joke about a 25-year-old movie if Will hadn’t gotten slappy wit it. Even his old partner didn’t know what to say:
Oh yeah, and then Smith won the Oscar for Best Actor and gave this crazy-ass speech:
In other words: “Look what you made me do, Chris Rock.”
Smith imagines himself to be a “vessel for love,” which must be why he laughed at a joke about his wife’s alopecia and then got up and smacked the dude who told it.
This guy did a very observant breakdown of the assault and battery:
Rock was gonna say somethin’, but then he didn’t say it. He kept it professional.
I’ve seen speculation that this was all some sort of PR stunt, planned out beforehand like a wrestling feud. But if it was, nobody told Chris Rock. If it was a “work” as opposed to a “shoot” (in wrestling parlance), wouldn’t Rock have written some better jokes to tell after he got slapped?
“Damn. Will hasn’t lost his cool like that since his dad showed up in Bel-Air!”
“Now you guys know how I felt after Osmosis Jones!”
“Does this mean I’m not gonna be in Bad Boys 5? Or is it four? [winces, strokes jaw] Feels like five.”
“Hey man, she didn’t cheat on you with me. It’s only March, but you out here acting like it’s August!”
Something of that nature.
This might be the funniest part of the whole thing:
If they didn’t condone Will Smith’s violence, they would’ve ejected him from the building and torn up the card announcing his Best Actor win. The crowd wouldn’t have given him a round of applause for justifying the assault they just witnessed. They absolutely condoned his violence.
Then Smith did this:
Intergalactic narcissism.
That’s real power right there. Run up onstage at the Oscars and hit somebody, and then win a trophy and party like it never happened. Who else could get away with that?
At least we’re getting some good jokes out of it:
Oh wait, that second one isn’t a joke. She really thinks Will Smith slapped Chris Rock because of Donald Trump.
Speaking of that guy, what would he be tweeting right now if Twitter hadn’t banned him over a year ago? I can only imagine…
Well, Will Smith’s meltdown in front of the whole world made us briefly forget about $6/gallon gas, the prospect of food shortages, and the looming spectre of nuclear war. Gotta give him credit for that.
By the way… did you hear who won Best Picture?
Batman is my second-favorite superhero.1 But that’s not enough to get me into a theater to see The Batman, because it’s three freaking hours long and at some point I’m gonna need a pause button.
At least we’re getting some good memes out of it:
This reminds me of another funny thing somebody did with the best Batman movie ever made:
Foo Fighters drummer Taylor Hawkins, R.I.P. I was hoping his death wasn’t drug-induced, but it’s looking that way.
The same day Hawkins died, Dave Grohl released an EP of super-heavy metal under the name Dream Widow, which is the fake metal band in Studio 666, the new Foo Fighters movie. I really like the album. Here’s one of the mellower tracks:
I would’ve had a Dream Widow cassette in my Walkman back in ‘85. That’s how good it is. Plus, Dream Widow is such a perfect name for a metal band that I can’t believe it wasn’t already taken.
It’s Monday, right? Yeah, Monday. Okay then.
As far as jokey superheroes go, "Dogwelder" is the best
I just searched our statewide library system for Flaming Carrot. Wish me luck!