Where's Joe?

Trump got shot, but Biden's the one who fell down

First things first: Nostradamus I’m not! If you want to make a lot of money, listen to my predictions and bet on the opposite.

As I babbled on about to no effect last Friday, I was absolutely convinced Biden would hang in there. I honestly didn’t think he would willingly humiliate himself by admitting, even tacitly, that he’s been lying to us for the past four years. I had faith that he would be a rotten, egomaniacal MF and stay in the race to the bitter, humiliating end. Just to be a dick, one last time.

And I certainly didn’t think that if he did drop out, he’d do it in a tweet on a Sunday afternoon.

If you can’t read any of that, here’s the short version:

“Bye.”

Trump was the first person to use Twitter to win a presidential election, and Biden is the first one to use it to quit.

Guess Elon was right. It really was worth $44 billion!

That was sent out at 1:46 PM Sunday. Reportedly, Biden didn’t tell his most senior White House and campaign staff he was quitting the race until 1:45. Via video call, from his beach house in Delaware.

“I’m out, bitches!” [HITS POST BUTTON]

None of them knew about it until it was too late. Most of the people who worked for him, and all the people who supported him — including Kamala Harris — found out at the same time as the rest of us. They were hard at work bullshitting us about how excited Joe was to beat Orange Hitler, and he pulled the rug out from under them.

After weeks of insisting he’s not leaving, he left during most Washingtonians’ Sunday brunch. With absolutely no warning to anybody around him.

Who does that? Who treats his most loyal supporters that way?

If it was his decision, that is.

This feels like a panic move. This is how a presidential campaign would end if something very bad happened — hey, he’s 81 and in poor health — and somebody decided that this decision couldn’t wait one more minute.

Is his deterioration even worse than we thought? Is somebody blackmailing him with evidence of his many crimes? After 50 years in Washington, did he finally run out of lies?

As I write this on Monday morning, Biden has not appeared in public since he “got COVID-19” last Wednesday. He has no scheduled events today, and the rest of the week is blank.

Where is he right now? What is he doing? Is he still acting as president? If not, who is?

I assume the press will soon stop asking, now that the immediate danger is over and they can concentrate on dragging somebody else over the finish line. Within less than a month, they’ve gone from “Shut up, he’s fine!” to “Thank God he’s gone!” I look forward to more of their brainless, soulless corruption over the next few months. And the rest of our lives.

Joe Biden is not a king. He can’t just retreat to his castle and sulk. He got elected to do a job, and he owes us an explanation.

For years, our moral, ethical, and intellectual betters have told us Trump is a threat to democracy. The end of America. And they insisted Biden was the only one who could stop him.

I hope Joe at least gets around to wishing us luck!

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Here’s a thing I wrote yesterday, in reaction to Aaron Sorkin’s dumb op-ed about the Democrats nominating Mitt Romney. Within hours of cranking this out, it was overtaken by events. But I still think it’s kinda funny.

How would Sorkin write the TV script for the Dems forcing Biden out? Hmmm…

[ESTABLISHING SHOT OF CAPITOL BUILDING]

CHYRON: Washington, DC

CHYRON: The Day After Tomorrow

[NANCY PELOSI IS WALKING SWIFTLY THROUGH HALLWAYS IN THE CAPITOL, CLACK-CLACK-CLACK, AIDES TRAILING BEHIND HER LIKE DUCKLINGS. THEY’RE TAPPING AND SCROLLING ON IPADS AS THEY ADDRESS HER.]

PELOSI: Talk to me.

AIDE 1: He’s crashing in the polls, Madame Ex-Speaker.

PELOSI: How bad is it?

AIDE 1: Have you seen Titanic? Like that, except Rose doesn’t make it either.

AIDE 2: Obama just retweeted a “F*** Joe Biden” chant from 2022.

PELOSI: I liked that one…

AIDE 3: Anna Wintour is calling for all copies of the August Vogue to be gathered up and burned in front of the White House.

AIDE 1: What was up with that dress anyway? She looked like—

PELOSI: Focus, people.

AIDE 1: Sorry. Um, well, right now Chuck Schumer is being arrested by Secret Service.

PELOSI: What?

AIDE 1: He tried to climb the White House fence. He’s shirtless, wearing his necktie as a headband. And is that… [SQUINTS AT IPAD] …warpaint?

PELOSI: Dammit.

AIDE 3: Fox News already has a graphic: “What the Chuck?”

AIDE 2: Hunter is on the roof of the White House with a Secret Service vest and sniper rifle. He’s tweaking hard.

PELOSI: How can you tell?

AIDE 2: I went to school with J.D. Vance. Well, my older brother did.

PELOSI: Oh, this is a [FIVE FULL SECONDS OF BLEEPING] cluster of [MORE BLEEPING FOR A WHILE, THEN AN AWKWARD SILENCE]. Has anyone seen Kamala?

AIDE 3: She’s locked herself in her bathroom at the Observatory. All they can hear is crying.

AIDE 2: And laughing.

AIDE 1: Mostly laughing.

PELOSI: F*** a goddamn duck. Alright, here’s what we’re gonna do...

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Well, I thought it was pretty good. Let’s see you do better!