When Everything Is Racism, Nothing Is

Stop offering people delicious food you think they'll enjoy, you white supremacist

The first time I ever saw Michael Che do his stand-up on late-night TV, before he joined SNL, he did a bit about African-Americans complaining whenever they’re served food that’s seen as stereotypically “black.” He noted how oversensitive and ungrateful that attitude is when your host is genuinely trying to be nice: “What kind of thoughtful racist finds out your favorite food and then threatens to make it for you? Sounds… hospitable!”

I had a chuckle over that joke as I read about the IKEA employees in Atlanta who stayed home from work over the weekend to protest a company Juneteenth menu. Why? Because it included fried chicken, watermelon, mac & cheese, potato salad, collard greens, and candied yams.

You know what? I’m about as black as Les Nessman, and I like all that stuff! Who doesn’t? Especially when it’s free. But somehow it’s racist to offer people food you think they’ll want to eat. Being a good host is now white supremacy.

And what’s up with those ingrates walking off the job over it? If Irish IKEA employees decided to skip work because the company served whiskey and potatoes on St. Patrick’s Day, and they even complained to the local news about it, would they still have jobs when they came back?

It’s food. Eat it, or don’t eat it. You’re not being insulted or oppressed. Get over yourself.


In other “Apparently This Is Racist Now” news: Singer and clinical-depression poster child Billie Eilish is in trouble because somebody dug up a video she posted when she was 14, lip-synching to the song “Fish” by rapper Tyler, The Creator.

The song starts off with a slur against Asians:

Slip it in her drink, and in the blink of an eye
I can make a white girl look chink
Don't know what to think, ‘cause last time I attempted this shit
The judge ordered me to see a shrink

Keep in mind, the outrage mob isn’t yelling at Tyler for using those words when he was in his twenties. He’s not in trouble for the part about giving women date-rape drugs, nor the racial slur. No, they’re yelling at Eilish, who’s a full decade younger than he is, for mouthing those words.

It’s not racist for him to say it, because he’s black and therefore nothing he does can be racist. But it’s obviously racist for her to mouth along to his words, because she’s white. Duh.

I hope Eilish has learned her lesson: When you’re lip-synching to a rap song and the rapper uses a racial slur, you should cover your mouth, stop the music, and apologize for your complicity in centuries of systemic racism.


But wait, there’s more racism! Did you know it’s racist to attend a gay pride event while white? If you’re a “white ally” who wants to go to the Taking B(l)ack Pride event at Seattle’s Jimi Hendrix Park this weekend, you’ll be charged a “$10 to $50 reparations fee that will be used to keep this event free of cost for BLACK AND BROWN Trans and Queer COMMUNITY.”

Y’know, I’m kinda okay with this one. Sure, it’s stupid and wrong, but these lefties are being stupid and wrong to each other. The more these commie freaks fight amongst themselves, over race and gender and everything else they use to divide everybody up, the more sane people they alienate. They’re self-marginalizing, and I say keep up the good work.


The Dems are completely obsessed with racism, except when one of their own elected officials is found to be racist. As Joseph Simonson at the Washington Free Beacon reports:

Democratic lawmakers and racial justice advocates have kept quiet about Sen. Sheldon Whitehouse’s membership in a racially exclusionary organization, seemingly satisfied with the Rhode Island Democrat’s explanation that it is nothing more than “a long tradition.”

The Washington Free Beacon asked all 50 Democratic members of the Senate, as well as the Congressional Black Caucus and the NAACP, for comment on the controversy related to Whitehouse’s association with Bailey’s Beach Club. No office, other than Whitehouse’s, responded.

Well, what can they say? “Yeah, okay, he’s a racist”? “No, it’s not racist when our team does it”? There’s no good answer, so they’ll just ignore it until it goes away. They know 99% of the media won’t go after Whitehouse.

In fact, our moral, ethical, and intellectual betters in the press are now helping their fellow Democrats circle the wagons:

“Exclusive club.” Exclusive to white people, that is. “Elite private club” is another euphemism they’re using to hide the truth.

Then there’s this instant classic:

They’ll tell you anything but the plain truth, because Whitehouse isn’t a Republican and they want to protect him. Democratic racists always stick together. You might even say they’re… confederates.

The always-hilarious Tim Dillon sums it up:

This is why I say: I’m too weird to be a Republican, but I’m not dumb enough to be a Democrat.


And the craziest part is that this stuff isn’t even selling! CNN’s ratings are in free fall. MSNBC’s Joy Reid1 just had her worst ratings week ever. Americans are sick of being scolded, not just for things they haven’t done, but for good things they’ve done that have been twisted into something bad.

Not every single problem in the world is due to racism. I know it sounds crazy, but try to open your mind to the possibilities. There might be another explanation. That person you hate might not be your enemy, just because he doesn’t superficially resemble you.

If you met a racist in the morning, you met a racist. If you meet racists all day, you’re the racist.


So, What Else Is Going On?

Is Joe Biden okay?

“Barack? Is that you?”

The man’s brain is a runny lump of mashed potatoes. He is too old to be president.


Remember when a bunch of Republican grifters started the Lincoln Project to dupe credulous libs out of their money? Remember when one of their founders, John Weaver, got caught soliciting sex from a bunch of young men in return for career advancement? Remember how one of his targets was only 14 years old? And remember how the Lincoln Project claimed to be aghast and promised to conduct an internal investigation?

Well, guess what? They did their investigation and they’ve concluded they didn’t do anything wrong. What a relief. Yay!

When you’ve got a grift that perfect, the money is too amazing to let a few pesky accusations of pedophilia get in your way. Those scumbags will say whatever they need to say to keep the cash flowing in. The only Lincoln they care about is the one on the $5.


Speaking of gigantic lies, here’s another whopper:

There have been many, many nights of rioting in DC over the past year, riotous behavior has been permitted, and absolutely nobody who’s been paying even cursory attention to recent events believes otherwise. Least of all Muriel Bowser.

She was testifying about DC statehood, which is unconstitutional and will never happen anyway. If she really thought it was a good idea, she wouldn’t resort to such ridiculous lies to push it.


Meanwhile, on the other coast: Portland, Oregon Mayor Ted Wheeler just announced that the police will stop doing traffic stops because they’re…

Can you guess? You know what the answer is gonna be, right?

Yep, traffic stops are racist! So cops in Portland aren’t doing them anymore.

This is a great idea. When violent maniacs are rampaging through your city every night, the murder rate is skyrocketing, and criminals are actually coming in from across the country because it’s so much easier to get away with violence in Portland, clearly the problem is too much law enforcement.

When peaceful residents are huddled in their homes, terrified of being beaten or murdered in the street, the last thing they want is a bunch of cops running around enforcing laws.

Eventually all the cops will quit, and that will be a huge victory for the few remaining Portlanders who can’t afford to move away and haven’t been executed yet.


They miss him so much. They don’t know what to do without him.


The Republicans just blocked something the Democrats want, which means the Republicans are evil. This is completely different than the Democrats blocking something the Republicans want, in which case the Republicans are evil.

“Why do these wicked Republicans keep thwarting our brazen power-grabs?” Rhodes would’ve been a mediocre novelist (his original career goal), but his talent for fiction makes him the perfect Democratic Party apparatchik.

Last year, the Dems used the filibuster 327 times. Now they’re furious that their opponents are using it, and they want to destroy the few sane Dems who realize that eliminating the filibuster will backfire on them eventually.


Congratulations to whoever just got elected mayor of New York City. Now please shut up already!


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1

The name is ironic, like calling a big guy “Tiny” or a bald guy “Curly.” Reid is about as joyful as a dentist’s waiting room. (No offense to dentists, who, unlike Reid, actually perform a necessary service.)