Week Sauce (12/21)
Weekend immune system
Welcome to Week Sauce, where I share some jokes I wrote about the past week’s news for whatever reason. Enjoy!
Scientists say the success of Google’s new quantum computer chip may indicate the presence of other universes parallel to our own.
Which is good news for Democrats. Somewhere out there, they won.
Hunter Biden and rapper Flavor Flav were seen getting chummy at a recent White House event.
So Flav has gone from “Fight the Power” to “Wipe the Powder.”
Scientists have discovered that California ground squirrels have developed a taste for meat and are hunting other animals.
They still eat nuts, but it might be yours.
California is moving forward with a plan to ban all gas-powered vehicles by 2035.
But don’t worry, Californians.
Some Walmart employees are now being given body cameras in an attempt to deter theft.
And it’s working. So far, no body cameras have been stolen.
In Portland, Oregon, a dancer at a vegan strip club stabbed the DJ and almost killed him.
He’s expected to recover, and the dancer has been fired for having a beef.1
Bernie Sanders is begging Joe Biden to make widespread preemptive pardons to keep Trump from acting like a “tinpot dictator.”
Because what’s more democratic than putting politicians above the law?
Daniel Penny joined Donald Trump and J.D. Vance at the annual Army-Navy game.
It’s about time the Marines won it.
Popeye the Sailor will become public domain on January 1, meaning the character can be used by anyone without permission from the original copyright holders.
Just don’t try using him to open a new chicken restaurant.
Outgoing New York Representative Jamaal Bowman now says: “I wish I didn’t pull that damn fire alarm.”
“I was just doing my job,” replied the alarm.
Contrary to the latest TikTok rumor, you probably won’t get chlamydia from gym equipment.
Unless you’re doing something very nasty with the gym equipment.
Admirers of Luigi Mangione are getting the murderer’s face tattooed on their bodies.
Which is a great way to tell prospective employers: “Don’t bother.”
Joe Biden now claims he’s been “scandal-free.”
After all, if there was a scandal, wouldn’t he remember?
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez lost a vote to become the ranking member of the House Oversight Committee.
But don’t worry, she’s still pretty rank.
Netflix might cancel Meghan Markle’s upcoming cooking show.
Which is too bad, because she really belongs in the kitchen.
41% of young adults say the murder of UnitedHealth CEO Brian Thompson was “acceptable.”
Then they went back to taking selfies and giving each other the clap.
An upcoming Disney Plus show called Win Or Lose has eliminated a storyline featuring a transgender character, angering activists.
You’d think the trans community would be used to getting cut.
Alec Baldwin is grateful for his career comeback, three years after the shooting death on the set of his movie Rust.
Now he just needs to find some camera operators who will hold still.
According to the Wall Street Journal, the White House has been covering up Joe Biden’s cognitive decline since the beginning of his presidency.
“No $#!+,” replied everybody with eyes and ears.
After their disappointing losses on election day, Senate Democrats are now calling for a constitutional amendment to abolish the electoral college.
“Electoral College? I was their starting quarterback,” replied this man.
A new app called Oyssey allows prospective home buyers to determine whether a particular neighborhood leans Republican or Democrat.
It detects how many people are smiling.
Justine Bateman from Family Ties says Ketanji Brown Jackson’s Broadway debut is like “a Make-A-Wish grant.”
It also makes the audience wish they were deaf.
Pennsylvania Governor Josh Shapiro has slammed Joe Biden for pardoning the corrupt judge in the infamous “Kids for Cash” scheme.
When reached for a response, Biden drooled a little.
According to meddling scientists, about half of all calories in the typical American diet are “ultra-processed.”
Which is another word for “delicious.”
An Indianapolis man has been banned from all Wingstop restaurants in the city after getting into a shootout with employees.
Fortunately, they only winged him.
Luigi Mangione is now in the same prison block as Sean “Diddy” Combs.
Looks like somebody else is taking shots to the back.
See, because vegans don’t eat beef. Why are you reading this?
Just to clarify your joke about Dems, AOC is on record declaring she's “not in favor of abolishing the Electoral College, but tuition should be free.”
'Outgoing New York Representative Jamaal Bowman now says: “I wish I didn’t pull that damn fire alarm.”
'“I was just doing my job,” replied the alarm.'
"Worst of all," continued the alarm, "he never even called me after."