Week Sauce (11/9)

Weekend immune system

Welcome to Week Sauce, where I share some jokes I wrote about the past week’s news for whatever reason. Enjoy!

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Alec Baldwin has endorsed Kamala Harris for president.
He’s worried Trump will kill more women than he has.

Stormy Daniels says she wants to keep Donald Trump out of our bedrooms.
Does this mean she’s giving back the money?

In a new Kamala 2024 ad, Will Ferrell directly threatens viewers who don’t vote for her.
What’s he gonna do, run around in his underpants until I change my mind?

Joe Biden now says he wants to “smack [Trump supporters] in the ass.”
Even the Secret Service can’t stop Joe from shooting himself in the foot.

According to The Atlantic, after the June 27 debate, Donald Trump wanted to debut a new nickname: “Retarded Joe Biden.”
This is inaccurate, of course. Retarded people are actually very nice.

Singer Olivia Rodrigo says she won’t date men who want to go to space because it’s a “red flag.”
To be fair, she’s got a point.

Kamala Harris didn’t concede for over 12 hours after most media outlets had called the election.
How long does it take to google “hangover cures”?

Trump won the Electoral College and the popular vote.
Democrats now want to abolish both.

Democrats are already pointing fingers, and a lot of them are blaming Tim Walz.
Wow, they lose one election and revert to homophobia.

Joy Reid says Kamala Harris ran a “flawless” campaign because Queen Latifah and Taylor Swift endorsed her.
But when we say she only appealed to childless cat ladies...

Cardi B says Trump’s victory is “Why some of y’all states be getting hurricanes.”
Well, her name isn’t Smarty B.

A law student at Pace University may be expelled for “aggressively pointing” at a transgender student.
Unfortunately, crying like a girl doesn’t actually make you one.

The Spirit Airlines gate at LaGuardia Airport was thrust into chaos when a raccoon fell from the ceiling.
I hope he wasn’t looking for snacks. Or maybe he was the snack.

Bette Midler threatened to drink Drano if Trump won, and today she deleted her Twitter account.
Damn, he’s already making America great again!

Jay Leno says that while he’s not a fan of Donald Trump, he thinks the election was fair and honest.
When reached for comment, Jimmy Kimmel burst into tears.

This week a semi truck crashed on a Nebraska highway, littering the road with cans of C4 energy drink.
The cleanup was surprisingly quick.¹

Congratulations to Delaware Democrat Sarah McBride, who is the first transgender person to be elected to Congress.
It’s like I always say: If you want a woman’s perspective, talk to a man.

Elon Musk’s estranged transgender child, Vivan Jenna Wilson, is promising to leave the United States because of Donald Trump’s victory.
Wow, that kid is cutting off everything.

In Washington, DC, Kamala Harris won almost 93% of the vote.
The other 7% actually work for a living.

Australian breakdancer Raygun has announced she’s retiring from the sport.
It’s her best move so far.

London police have arrested a man for stealing 24 tons of artisanal cheese, worth almost $400,000.
The culprit thought he was clever, but the plan was full of holes.

Donald Trump won the Catholic vote by 15 points.
Which is impressive, considering Kamala’s whole campaign was a Hail Mary.

Trump is set to make history yet again.
He’ll be the first president to fire a female Chief of Staff.

Richard Gere has sold his home in Connecticut and is moving to Spain.
In related news, “jerbo” is Spanish for gerbil.

Almost 40 tons of Costco butter have been recalled because the nutrition label doesn’t warn of an allergen: milk.
No wonder I keep getting rashes down there.

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1. Because the cleanup crew was chugging the energy drinks. Duh. Why are you reading this?