Week Sauce (11/2)
Welcome to Week Sauce, where I share some jokes I wrote about the past week’s news for whatever reason. Enjoy!
According to a new study, animals in the wild will seek out fermented fruits and saps containing alcohol.
Especially cougars.
During a Harris/Walz rally in Philadelphia, Robert De Niro called Donald Trump a “piece of $#!+.”
In response, Trump worked a shift at a local waste sanitation plant.
In a Washington Post op-ed, owner Jeff Bezos says newspaper endorsements of political candidates only demonstrate bias.
His employees are taking it well.
According to the Daily Mail, Tim Walz once had an affair with the daughter of a top Chinese Communist Party official.
I understand every word in that sentence except “daughter.”
In London, a con artist has stolen 22 metric tons of award-winning cheese.
The thief would’ve stolen the Swiss cheese too, but that sort of heist is wholly different.1
Gouda? Not according to the cops-a.
The police have just one message for the culprit: “That’s nacho cheese.”
Comedian Tony Hinchcliffe is under fire for making a joke about Puerto Rico at Trump’s Madison Square Garden rally.
Man, that whole island would be outraged if they had the internet.
Responding to Tony Hinchcliffe’s joke about Puerto Rico, Joe Biden said, “The only garbage I see floating out there is [Trump’s] supporters.”
Looks like Trump just picked up another endorsement.
Nearly 50 TGI Friday’s locations nationwide have shut down within the past week.
The name now stands for “Totally Going Insolvent by Friday.”
During a Breakfast Club interview, when Kamala was told she isn’t addressing the concerns of black men, she replied: “The brothers aren’t saying that.”
Here are those brothers.
AOC and Tim Walz did a livestream on Twitch to play Madden NFL 25.
They scheduled it on a Sunday afternoon in the middle of football season, because it was planned by women and gay guys.
Congratulations to Dan Rather, who turned 93 years young this week.
Well, that’s assuming his birth certificate isn’t a forgery.
A Democrat Super PAC called Progress Action Fund has released an ad showing a Republican stopping a young man from masturbating.
Well, you gotta hand it to ‘em.
An unidentified Kamala supporter at her Houston rally has gone viral for screaming in the face of a small child.
Glad to see another nanny backing Doug Emhoff.
The sewer system in Moscow has broken down, sending a fountain of sewage hundreds of feet in the air.
“You need to jiggle the handle,” said one man.
USA Today is the third newspaper not to make an endorsement in the 2024 election.
How are we supposed to have an election if Democrats aren’t told how to vote?
Congratulations to Gisele Bundchen, who’s having a baby with her jiu-jitsu instructor.
Obviously she’s mastered ground fighting.
Ballot boxes in Portland, Oregon and Vancouver, Washington have been set on fire.
It won’t affect the outcome of the election, but it’s a visual reminder of how valuable your vote is in Oregon and Washington.
Barbara Bush, daughter of George W. Bush, is endorsing Kamala Harris.
Between the Iraq War, Hurricane Katrina, and Kamala, the Bush family sure loves disasters.
Gen Z voters on TikTok are going viral for writing in silly candidates on their ballots.
Like “Kamala Harris” and “Donald Trump.”
Hunter Biden says he fears Trump returning to office will be “the end of America as we know it.”
That’s right, no more influence-peddling, hookers, or cocaine.
In what has become an annual tradition, Joe Biden bit two babies at the White House Halloween party.
Wait. I thought Dracula didn’t age?
The Crazy Horse 3 Gentleman’s Club in Las Vegas is holding an Election Night party with free lap dances.
Talk about “get out to the poles.”
A woman in Queens is suing Subway sandwiches because the restaurant “materially overstates” how much meat is in their sandwiches.
It’s not the first time Subway employees have gotten in trouble with their meat.
During a World Series celebration on a Los Angeles street, a Dodgers fan accidentally blew off one of his hands with a firework.
He’s now being scouted by the Yankees.
This Halloween, Alec Baldwin and his family dressed up like Where’s Waldo.
I guess he’s done playing cowboy.
Wholly?
Holey?
Like the cheese?
You’re welcome.
Ancho peppers, either.
"That's nacho cheese." OK, I actually curled the corner of my mouth on that one.
Even tho I saw it coming about 1600 meters away.