Top 10 Things You Can Do with a Trump NFT
Collect all 10!
Donald Trump — Pizza Hut spokesman, star of The Apprentice, and WWE Hall of Famer — teased a big announcement earlier this week. He already announced he’s running for president again, so nobody could figure out what the big surprise was supposed to be. Did he pick Kari Lake as his VP? Is he holding Mike Pence for ransom? Was he the one who killed Jimmy Hoffa?
I don’t think anybody guessed the actual answer:
Hello, everyone. This is Donald Trump, hopefully your favorite president of all time — better than Lincoln, better than Washington — with an important announcement to make. I’m doing my first official Donald J. Trump NFT collection right here and right now. They’re called Trump Digital Trading Cards. These cards feature some of the really incredible artwork pertaining to my life and my career. It’s been very exciting. You can collect your Trump Digital Cards just like a baseball card or other collectibles. Here’s one of the best parts: Each card comes with an automatic chance to win amazing prizes like dinner with me. I don’t know if that’s an amazing prize, but it’s what we have. Or golf with you and a group of your friends at one of my beautiful golf courses. And they are beautiful. I’m also doing Zoom calls, a one-on-one meeting, autographing memorabilia, and so much more. We’re doing a lot. My official Trump Digital Trading Cards are $99, which doesn’t sound like very much for what you’re getting. Buy one and you will join a very exclusive community. It’s my community, and I think it’s something you’re going to like, and you’re going to like it a lot. They also make perfect gifts, so you can buy them with your credit card or crypto. All you need is an email address. Go to CollectTrumpCards.com and buy your Trump Digital Trading Cards right now before they are all gone, and they will be gone. This is my first official Trump Trading Card NFT collection, and you get a chance to meet me. Go to CollectTrumpCards.com right now, and remember, Christmas is coming and this makes a great Christmas gift.
At the risk of alienating Trump fans, I’m not paying $99 for a JPEG of a painting of a septuagenarian dressed like a cowboy or a superhero or something else he’s not. And if you’re thinking of buying me one, I’d rather just have the money.
But it’s a free country, and the dude can sell whatever he wants. He’s certainly picked the perfect moment to jump into the crypto game, now that Sam Bankman-Fried is out of the way.
Once you buy one of these NFTs, the particulars of which I don’t understand and neither does Trump, what are you supposed to do with it?
Here are my top 10 ideas:
I really have no idea whatsoever. The headline is pure clickbait and it worked.
No, I’m not sorry. If he can lie to you, so can I.
Okay, well, you’ll just have to find some way to get over it.
NFTs, man. It’s just sad. Out of all the things that are wrong with that ad, the worst part is how low-energy he is. Don’t you think he looks tired?
Last night, a few journos got suspended from Twitter and all the other journos freaked out.
There were several other suspensions as well, but you wouldn’t recognize any of the names unless you remember Keith Olbermann.
I’ve been suspended a number of times over the years for complete BS, so watching the same happen to those buttholes is very funny and very, very satisfying. But why did it happen?
Yeah, if you put a child in danger, there’s no telling how his parents will react.
Musk is making a mistake, but it’s a different kind of mistake than the one made by Yoel Roth and the previous Twitter regime. It’s not a good idea to make rash decisions like this when you’re angry about someone putting your child in danger, but it’s not as if Musk is conducting a years-long censorship campaign against his political opponents. When Musk talks about safety, he literally means the physical safety of himself and his family. Not the sort of “safety” that’s endangered when a tranny gets his feelings hurt over being misgendered.
Musk is worried about his child. I don’t think he’s handling it the right way, but that’s his rationale. What did that little boy ever do to anybody?
And it’s funny to watch all the journos complaining about it, after spending years telling us Twitter is a private company and can do whatever it wants. “Hey, don’t break the rules and you won’t get punished. If you don’t like it, start your own app.” Etc. All that noise disappeared the instant they were the ones being treated unfairly. The rules aren’t supposed to apply to them.
CNN actually did an entire segment on one of their reporters getting suspended from social media:
Mmmmmm, that’s good journalism!
Just imagine this happening back when people actually trusted the media:
“Ladies and gentlemen, this is Walter Cronkite interrupting your regularly scheduled program to bring you this breaking news: I have just been suspended from Twitter.”
Get over yourselves, you hacks.
Let’s close out the week with another absolute banger from my new favorite band, the Northern Boys.
WARNING: DISGUSTING LYRICS AND AWKWARDLY CHARMING DANCE MOVES
When I say hi, I get shut down
When I’m outside, I get stressed out
When I’ve got people around, I’m anxious
Nobody likes me, what the f*** now?
It’s like they’re talking directly to me.
I hope these guys do a whole album. There’s just something about their combination of bleak and depraved lyrics, crotchety rage, and bright, peppy music. And then Kevin’s dancing ties it all together. What a happy guy that Kev is. Who doesn’t love Kev?
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Journalists want to think they are a special class of people, gifted with the role of bringing you and I "the NEWS." But they aren't anymore special than a Duck that rides a bike. And trust me, I ain't special at all.
Dear Journalists: get over yourself. Everyone else has. Your farts smell awful just like everyone else's, you have bad breath in the morning, and you're just an individual. you ain't special.
Trump's major announcement is probably the best proof I have seen that he is out of gas, politically speaking. And I predict he will probably run as a third party candidate.
Regarding Trump, I guessed his “Major Announcement” was his becoming a majority shareholder in Hooters. I was wrong. But not by much.