Quick, We Need to Make Joe Biden Younger
The Secret Service can't protect him from Father Time
Our beloved president is in trouble!
Democracy is under threat like never before in our great nation’s history, and the only man who can stop Orange Hitler is Joe Biden. And yet, incredibly, a bunch of “Democrat” traitors want to cast Biden aside just because he caught a cold before a debate so he couldn’t stop Trump from telling a bunch of lies.
Nothing against Kamala, but everybody hates her and she can’t win. (Sorry not sorry!)
Hiding President Biden’s slight brain problem from the American public was a really good idea, but that trick has run its course. The only option left is to somehow make him younger or otherwise more functional.
Joe can’t do this alone, comrades. He needs our help. We need to act fast!
It’s time for some lateral thinking, people. Outside the box. So here are a few ideas I’ve jotted down.
Time travel
Design and build functioning time machine
Go back to late 1970s, pick up 35-year-old Joe
Hair restoration surgery (IMPORTANT!)
Brief him on current events (or just give him notecards, nobody seems to care)
Teach him some TikTok dances? (research this)
Cloning
Grow clone in vat, transfer consciousness somehow (WITHOUT Alzheimer’s!)
Ethical considerations? (remind voters Trump is worse)
Some sort of astral body-switch, like Freaky Friday
That Harry Sisson kid would probably volunteer
Physically impossible?
Life Model Decoy
They never showed these in the Marvel movies, but they were on the TV show (google title)
Could Joe’s Disneyland audio-animatron be souped up? Some way to get his brain in there?
Bionics
New legs to help him climb stairs
Bionic vision could relieve squinting
Super-strength to fight off Secret Service trying to evict him
Magic lamp
May or may not exist in real life (research)
Make sure he wishes to be younger AND smarter
Floating brain in jar
Could be hard sell to public
Photo of smiling Joe on jar?
Dr. Jill can carry him around on tray or in baby-carrier
Fountain of youth
Ponce de León might still be alive after faking death; persuade to reveal exact location of fountain in Florida
Somehow get around DeSantis (hate that guy!)
Vampirism
Everybody loves vampires (Dracula, Blacula, Count Chocula, Twilight, etc.)
Plenty of potential blood donors (CNN, WaPo, George Conway)
Daytime travel severely limited, but Air Force One could fly around and around world ahead of sunrise (buy LOTS of carbon credits!)
Outreach to angry Catholics?
Deepfakes, CGI, Etc.
Hollywood hates Trump, CGI departments apparently done making Marvel movies
Spielberg can direct
Create hologram for live appearances (who made the Tupac one?)
Very smart, honest liberals already working on it
Those are just a few ideas. Laugh at me all you want, but what have YOU done lately to stop Drumpf?
But seriously, folks. At this point, Joe only has two choices left: resignation or science fiction.
There’s a third possibility, but that one’s not up to him.
* Use the time machine to go back and swap Baby Hitler with Baby Trump (perhaps that's already been done? Check with Pelosi
* Speaking of vampires, ask Pelosi to borrow more of her blood for the transfusion
* Use deepfake technology to clone Joe's voice, hire those Milli Vanilli guys to train Joe on how to do the lip-synch thing for speeches, debates, etc.
* Go find that Benedict Cumberbund guy who played Gandalf in those superhero films and borrow his time-stone to see how many of the millions of futures would have Joe become victorious. Then see if Robert Downey Junior would be willing to sacrifice himself to guarantee that future.
* Speaking of RDJ, see if Joe can borrow his Iron Man suit and then have Joe live inside that for the rest of the campaign (again, voice can be faked - see if Darth Vader guy is available)
* Trick the Trade Federation into starting a war by invading Naboo; create a clone army to oppose them, sow seeds of discontent within the Jedi Order; take over the Republic Senate and declare yourself emperor. It worked for that Palpatine guy. Find black cloak for Joe and see if he can do the blue lightning thing shooting from his hands.
I said early on the Biden Crime Family can't afford to let him quit and the Dems can't afford to let him run. It's going to be messy, and I'm going to love that part.
And it wouldn't surprise me if they were considering all of Treacher's possibilities. Especially the last couple.