Lawyer Who Firebombed Cop Car for George Floyd Doesn't Want to Be in Jail Anymore
Well, who would?
We’ve all been there: It’s Friday night, you’ve had one too many vodka shots, a black guy in a city 1,000 miles away just got killed by the cops, you’re sad and angry about a bunch of other stuff, and…
Well, okay. So maybe. Possibly. Perhaps… you firebombed one little police car. Out of all the law enforcement vehicles in the entire world, maybe one of them caught on fire because of your actions. Not 100. Not 10. Not even two. Just one single solitary teensy-weensy cop car.
Does that mean you should go to jail? For, like, years?
A left-wing lawyer who pleaded guilty to firebombing a police cruiser is asking for a commutation of her sentence, pointing to the fact that she was inebriated at the time of the offense and coping with “unprocessed trauma,” according to court filings.
Attorneys for Urooj Rahman argue the self-described human-rights activist was "numb, disassociated, and inebriated" when she threw a Molotov cocktail into a New York City police car during the George Floyd riots in May 2020. Lawyers say Rahman was also reeling from her many "abusive partnership relationships" and processing "early trauma" from being taunted as a Muslim after 9/11.
Right? I mean, who wouldn’t react to such verbal violence by filling an empty beer bottle with gasoline, sticking a rag in it, lighting it on fire, and throwing it at a cop car? Admit it, you totally would’ve done the exact same thing.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been numb, disassociated, and/or inebriated.1 I've never torched a cop car, but still.
And if you think that’s no excuse… well, have ya tried it?
Or maybe you’re just a racist. And a sexist. That’s probably it. Shut up, you sexist racist.
Oh, Joe Biden is doing just fine. Why do you ask?
When they said, “Mr. President,” Joe didn’t know they meant him. Hey, at least this time he wasn’t looking around for somebody who died last month.
Oh, Nancy Pelosi is doing just fine. Why do you ask?
Reminder: Nancy is even older than Joe.
Once again, a Democrat has committed an act of political violence. And once again, the mainstream media is ignoring it:
Libs love killing babies. And if you disagree, they’ll try to kill you.
Look, man, I don’t know. I just don’t know.
Humans made this thing, which makes me wonder if we even deserve rights.
I won’t pretend I knew James Madison had a crystal flute, or that I care what anybody does with it.
Until today, I have never watched a Tubi original movie. I didn’t even know that was a thing. But this looks irresistible:
This is an actual movie, and you can watch it right now. Why wouldn’t you?
It’s the end of an error:
Seven years, and nearly as many laughs. What will Comedy Central do without this ratings juggernaut?
Given the choice between Trevor Noah and literally anybody else… I’m no math whiz, but for every person who watches The Daily Show, six people watch Greg Gutfeld instead. Is that a lot?
So, who will the next host be? I hope they find someone who’s funnier than that guy.
Just kidding! It had better be a nonbinary birthing person of color or somebody like that. And they (it must be a they) had better open every show with a land acknowledgement and an apology for the existence of heterosexual white people. Comedy isn’t about jokes, it’s about scolding people for being bigots.
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It’s been 1,735 days since I drank any alcohol. Here’s to 1,735 more.