It's Friday, Write Your Own Headline
Why do *I* have to do everything?
I’m tired. Is 2022 over yet?
Are you a patriot? If so, you should be glad to know that Jill Biden — excuse me, DOCTOR Jill Biden — now has her own entrance theme:
DOCTOR Biden deserves her own entrance music, even if it does sound like the theme from Blackadder. After all, DOCTOR Biden did the hard work of marrying a man who eventually got elected president of the United States. That’s an achievement shared by only a few dozen women in history.
DOCTOR Biden is also the oldest First Lady in American history, clocking in at 69 years young on inauguration day 2021. Nice! Is there anything DOCTOR Jill Biden can’t do?
Hey, this seems like something:
It’s been a year now, yet the FBI has no idea who this guy is. They’ve arrested and prosecuted hundreds of the morons who stormed the Capitol Building, but they can’t find the man who actually set pipe bombs around DC. Your tax dollars at work!
Speaking of tax dollars, have I mentioned how much I regret ever living in DC? I’m glad I got out of that hellhole.
Biden and his nurse gave speeches about Jan. 6 on Jan. 6, which was the first Jan. 6 since the Jan. 6 that the Democrats are trying to turn into an annual thing. They really want you to believe the Capitol riot was as bad as Pearl Harbor or 9/11. They’re overplaying their hand, and it’s not going to work in November.
Now, that’s not coming from a MAGA-head. I don’t make any excuses for what those people did. Riots are wrong, no matter who’s doing it or what reason they give. Hundreds of people have been arrested for their part in the riot, and I say throw the book at ‘em.
But it was not an “insurrection.” It was not a “terror attack.” It was a bunch of idiots who got whipped up by a demagogue. It was bad, but it wasn’t “the end of the republic” bad. Democracy was not in peril. Anybody who tells you otherwise is lying to you, and you should never vote for them or their comrades.
There, I’ve now thoroughly alienated everybody. Good job, me.
If you think you’ve got it rough, say a prayer for the most downtrodden Americans among us: journos.
The great Andrew Stiles at the Washington Free Beacon looks at “A Day in the Life of a Traumatized Journalist.” Here’s an excerpt of what daily life is like for those unsung heroes:
9:25 AM — Check your phone. You have two missed calls from your editor, so you ring her back. You're too damn proud to request another day off for self-care, so you decide to power through and pitch her the following story ideas: 1) "How to Talk to Your 8-Year-Old Nephew About ‘Harry Potter' and The Author Who Must Not Be Named," 2) "How the New CNN+ Streaming Service Could Be a Safe Alternative to Sending Kids to School," 3) "Twitter Sleuths Raise Doubts About Casey DeSantis Cancer Diagnosis," and 4) "Why You Shouldn't Feel Bad About Berating Your Maskless Delivery Driver."
I don’t know how these brave champions of truth and honor manage to maintain their integrity, day in and day out. Make sure to thank a journo today, if you can get a word in edgewise.
Bad news for fans of bigotry:
Well, I’m sure Joy Reid will land on her feet. Maybe she’ll find a job more suited to her skill set, like writing down what people want to eat and then bringing it to them. It’s not too late for her to earn an honest living.
That lady is a real treat:
Glenn Kessler is the fact-checker for the Washington Post. He checks facts and decides whether or not they’re true. It’s a big responsibility, but it’s not so bad if you just don’t care about the truth.
Now, you might be asking silly questions like, “How can you fact-check a prediction?” You might wonder what good a fact-checker is if he doesn’t even know what a fact is.
The answer is simple: Shut up, you peasant.
I’m not sure I can recommend Red Rocket for a general audience, because the themes and subject matter and whatnot are incredibly filthy. But Simon Rex was born to play this role. Yes, Simon Rex from the Scary Movie movies. That Simon Rex.
I’ve been a fan of Rex’s “Dirt Nasty” rap persona for years, and I always figured he never broke through into the mainstream because he was just too gross. But now he’s making his natural sliminess work for him, and I mean that in the best possible way.
We’ll see if this movie puts Rex on the A-list, or even the C-list, but he’s already scoring magazine covers:
Way to go, Dirt! This might be the first picture of Nic Cage where he isn’t the craziest dude in the picture.
Red Rocket is only in theaters, and not many of them. It’s a critical darling, but it’s not making much money. (I know the feeling!) I hope it finds an audience on streaming platforms and cable, because it’s not like any movie I’ve ever seen before. “Mikey Saber” is a repulsive dirtbag, and I was really rooting for him.
I was trying to find a Dirt Nasty video to close this out, but there’s nothing I’d want my mom clicking on, even by accident. So here’s a video by the “rap supergroup” Three Loco, which he formed with two other knuckleheads named Riff Raff and Andy Milonakis. It’s silly and disgusting, but it’s funny. Please don’t watch this, Mom.
It’s weird to see Dirt Nasty getting mainstream respect, and I hope he doesn’t OD before Three Loco gets back together.
TGIF, and thanks for reading. If you’re one of the many people getting this newsletter for free, though, I’m not very happy with you right now. As I’ve told you, I got some unexpected bills last month, a new furnace and some medical expenses, and I’m working really hard to get you to subscribe so I can pay them off. You’re reading this right now, which means I’ve maintained your interest. Now I’m begging you — yes, I’m begging, are you happy now? — to pay me for my work.
It’s only $5/month or $50/year. Come on, friend, don’t be like this. You can do the right thing. I believe in you.
Good column, as always, but are we sure the pipe bomber is a man? Something about the person's gait and body reminds me of a woman. Also, those Nike shoes are very rare -- shouldn't be that hard to track them down. You would think the FBI would have done so by now.
Of course the FBI doesn't have any idea about the pipe-bomber. They don't know the motivations behind the Vegas Shooter either. The lists of what the FBI doesn't know or is actually interested in investigating could fill a billion libraries. That would interrupt their MAGA LARP sessions... that pipe-bomber was probably an FBI LARPer anyways.