Democrats Don't Need Masks Because They're Better Than You

It really is that simple, you serfs

We’re still learning about COVID-19 and how it spreads, but one of its more unusual properties is that it doesn’t seem to affect people with political opinions preferred by our moral, ethical, and intellectual betters in the press. It’s the first virus in the history of the world that votes Democrat.

Let’s say you’re in a crowded place with a bunch of people, and you’re worried that you might be in the middle of what has come to be known as a “superspreader event.” Well, maybe you are, maybe you aren’t. It depends. Are you attending something frivolous and stupid, like a football game or a motorcycle rally or a speech by a Republican? Or are you participating in something politically important and socially just, like a race riot?

The virus knows. It knows what you’re doing and why you’re doing it, and it only punishes people who don’t read The Atlantic or listen to NPR.

If you can recite a MyPillow ad from memory, you need to wear a mask when you’re told to wear a mask. But if you can pick Lin-Manuel Miranda out of a lineup, you don’t have anything to worry about. That’s how COVID-19 works. That’s just the settled science.

It’s 2021, people. If you want to go out for dinner with family and friends, or take your kids to the zoo, or do any of the other things that were once commonplace, first you need to ask yourself one crucial question: “Am I a prominent Democrat politician?”

Okay, sure, so DC Mayor Muriel Bowser told a little fib about going maskless after mandating masks. So what? She doesn’t need to worry about getting sick, because the virus knows how important she is. It knows she would never wear a MAGA hat.

Have you ever heard COVID-19 say, “All lives matter”? No, you haven’t. The virus knows better than that.

And the more powerful you are in the Democratic Party, the more powerful your protection against this illness. For example, 81-year-old Nancy Pelosi, who is third in line of succession for the presidency, has absolutely nothing to worry about from any pesky virus.

You might resent someone like Pelosi ignoring her own rules, but she’s only trying to protect you because the virus knows you’re not as important as she is. How is that her fault? The rules aren’t for her. They’re for you.

The same thing goes for AOC and the rest of The Squad, of course:

The virus flew in, took one look at those girlboss kweens, and flew the other way!

To AOC, a mask is nothing more than an accessory in her wardrobe.

That also goes for those brave Texas Democrats who decamped to DC to escape a vote they knew they were going to lose. They don’t need any masks. Virus? What virus?

And of course, the virus knows better than to bother the president of the United States as long as he’s not Bad Orange Man.

As for the most holy name in the Democratic Party: This week President Barack Hussein Obama is throwing a huge 60th birthday party at the estate on Martha’s Vineyard that he bought last year with all that Netflix money. Just imagine the virus trying to get anywhere near the Lightworker. Yeah, right! Plus Pearl Jam is playing, so it’s nice that those guys are keeping busy.

This protection from illness extends to key Dem voting blocs as well. So what if 40% of NYC’s teachers aren’t vaccinated? They don’t need to be. They’re Democrats.

The best vaccine in the world is a (D) after your name.

As for the rest of us, we can just stop whining about our leaders constantly lying about COVID-19. It’s for our own good.

I’ll let Typhoid Andy have the last word on this.

And then there’s the border. Would you believe the Democrats’ magical COVID-19 forcefield extends down there too?

Sneezing and coughing? Well, I’m sure it’s nothing.

A few months ago Jon Stewart shocked the world, or at least his own fans, by insisting that the virus lab in Wuhan, China might have something to do with a virus that originated in Wuhan, China.

“The disease is the same name as the lab!” You gotta admit, that’s a pretty weird coincidence.

Now some of Jon Stewart’s fellow Republicans are backing him up. Adam Kredo and Jack Beyrer, Washington Free Beacon:

Chinese scientists manipulated lethal viruses under unsafe conditions at the Wuhan Institute of Virology prior to the coronavirus outbreak, fueling suspicions the pandemic was caused by a lab leak, according to a new congressional report…

The information unearthed by congressional Republicans led by Rep. Michael McCaul (R., Texas), the House Foreign Affairs Committee's ranking member, is likely to increase pressure on the U.S. government to sanction China and hold it accountable for the coronavirus outbreak.

The report also names EcoHealth Alliance director Peter Daszak as “the public face of a CCP disinformation campaign designed to suppress public discussion about a potential lab leak.” Daszak is the guy who wrote that widely cited Feb. 2020 open letter, signed by 27 scientists, dismissing the idea of a lab leak: “We stand together to strongly condemn conspiracy theories suggesting that COVID-19 does not have a natural origin.” Now a lab leak looks less like a conspiracy theory and more like a plain old theory, and Daszak has some explaining to do.

Now we’ll see who actually wants to hold China responsible for what they’ve done, and who would rather just hate Republicans. I’m sorry the libs are struggling with their daddy issues, but facts are facts. China did this to the world and must be held accountable.

Some Democrats are worried about Kamala Harris because she’s so unpopular. Here’s the thing, though: If you have anything negative to say about her, you’re a racist and a sexist. Period. End of argument. Now shut up.

Last week Gawker came back, and it made me curious about the fate of A.J. Daulerio, the Gawker editor who published that Hulk Hogan sex tape and destroyed his own company. Where is he now?

Daulerio was profiled in Esquire in 2017, a year after Gawker folded, and it was a portrait of a recovering addict who still couldn’t accept that his downfall was entirely self-inflicted. He was still blaming wrestlers and billionaires for his own behavior. He still thought of himself as a victim. Sure, he might have had a little problem with substance abuse, but what happened was still everybody’s fault but his own.

Daulerio has since started a newsletter called The Small Bow, which he describes as “a recovery newsletter, mostly.” Speaking as a recovering drunk myself — 1,311 days sober and counting — I sincerely wish him luck with it. If anybody has a good reason to get sober and stay sober, it’s that guy.

Meanwhile, the feature article at Gawker is “The Internet’s Fake Quote Machine Keeps Attributing This Corny Line to My Mother.” I’m not sure why anybody would want to read that, but it also isn’t the sort of thing that makes any vengeful billionaires vow to destroy you. Good luck with the new direction, Gawkerites.

Every few years, Matt Damon gets in trouble for some crime against wokeness. During the #MeToo frenzy in 2017, Damon noted that not all sexual misconduct is rape, which reminded everybody that he owes his entire career to Harvey Weinstein. Cringe emoji! Damon quickly groveled for forgiveness: “I should get in the back seat and close my mouth for a while.”

Now Damon is back in the driver’s seat and running his mouth once again. His latest outrage? He used “the f-slur for a homosexual” in front of one of his daughters:

“I made a joke, months ago, and got a treatise from my daughter. She left the table. I said, ‘Come on, that’s a joke! I say it in the movie Stuck on You!’ She went to her room and wrote a very long, beautiful treatise on how that word is dangerous. I said, ‘I retire the f-slur!’ I understood.”

Remember back in the old days, when kids got in trouble with their parents for cursing at the dinner table? Now the parents are grown up and it’s the other way around.

So now we’re all supposed to be outraged that somebody from Boston says “f@660t.” Apparently none of these people have ever seen The Departed.

Maybe Megan Rapinoe can still win silver. That’s pretty good too, right?1

It must be humiliating to lose to Canada in a sport that isn’t even played on ice, but look on the bright side: Now Rapinoe is a victim again. Yay! The patriarchy is keeping her from the gold. Nice going, misogynists.

Thanks for reading! Can you believe it’s August already? Remember when you were young?

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I wrote that as a joke, and then she said it for real: “It’s not the color we want, but there’s still a medal on the line.” That’s the spirit!