CNN+ Gets Subtracted
Hey, look who finally broke some actual news:
Oh, CNN+ “was hyped,” was it? Who hyped it, Brian? Was it you? Did you hype it? I’m pretty sure you hyped it. Very few other people on the entire planet would’ve hyped it.
Man oh man, my prediction was way off. I thought CNN+ would collapse after two months. Those geniuses got it done in half the time. Let’s hear it for American efficiency!
When all is said and done, CNN+ will have operated from March 29, 2022 to April 30, 2022. That’s 32 days, or 2.9 Scaramuccis.
To put that in context: Quibi lasted 232 days, or 7.25 CNN+’s.
I propose using CNN+ as a unit of measure. Instead of saying things like, “I’ll be gone for about a month,” you can say, “I’ll be gone for a CNN+.”
“Wow, why is Becky being so crabby?”
“Oh, it’s just her time of the CNN+.”
It’s vulgar and uncharitable to gloat over the failure of an enemy, but hey, I didn’t make CNN blow $300 million on this debacle. I didn’t spend years lying to CNN’s viewers and ruining their brand. I didn’t poach Chris Wallace from Fox News and hire a bunch of other people to work on a project that nobody with half a brain would’ve ever tried.
All those wealthy, powerful people actually convinced themselves anybody wanted this. What an incredible mass self-delusion. What hubris. I can’t wait for the inevitable Hulu miniseries about this humiliating trainwreck.
Of course, now journos are the victims. Those hillbillies in the flyover states are being so mean, laughing at the political lackeys with press passes who’ve lied to them and maligned them and doxxed them for years. How can they be so cruel?
Yeah, well, tough $#!+. As the ancient Tibetan philosophy states: “Don’t start none, won’t be none.”
Any of these journos would happily ruin your life and then go to lunch. They don’t care about anybody but themselves. And they certainly don’t care about the truth. Just ask Nick Sandmann.
Those dummies at CNN should’ve listened to me:
That probably would’ve lasted at least an extra week!
Oh, Joe Biden is doing just fine. Why do you ask?
And once again, here comes the clean-up crew to mop up Joe’s latest little accident:
Whew!
I finally beat Elden Ring. So I got that goin’ for me.
No spoilers, but there are several possible endings, depending on your actions throughout the game. The ending I got was… underwhelming. But at least it’s over. I did it. I beat that stupid, enraging pile of pixels.
And I couldn’t have done it without the help of a guy who calls himself the Elden Ring Guru. Not only is he very helpful, he’s just plain fun to listen to:
The accent is fake, but the ownage is very real.
Wait, what?
Inappropriate behavior? That’s just called “being Bill Murray.”
I don’t remember the last time there were three movies I wanted to see in theaters at the same time: Everything Everywhere All at Once, The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent, and The Northman. Even better, they’re not sequels, superhero movies, or sequels to superhero movies. It feels like things are getting back to normal.
Now I just gotta decide! Drop me a comment and let me know which one I should see first, if any.
Voltaren Watch, Day Four: I can’t believe how well this magical salve works. My left knee still doesn’t function as well as my right one and probably never will again, but it doesn’t hurt all the time. I don’t need to mentally prepare myself to go up and down a flight of stairs. My knee isn’t constantly tormenting me, no matter what I’m doing. I’m significantly less miserable.
If only I’d had this stuff 12 years ago. Better late than never, I suppose. I’m a little confused about its long-term use, but I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it.
On foot!
TGIF, right?
You’re reading this right now, which means I’ve held your interest throughout this AD-FREE newsletter. In fact, I’ve been holding your interest ever since you got a free subscription. So I’m asking you now to please buy a paid subscription for $5/month or $50/year. I can’t keep doing this newsletter if I don’t get paid, and the only people paying me are my readers. That’s you.1
Please don’t make me go back to cranking out clickbait for a tiny percentage of ad revenue. Only you can keep me from ending up like CNN+.
If you’re already paying for a subscription, of course, you’re one of the elite. I respect and admire you. What have you been doing, did you lose weight? Whatever it is, keep it up, you look fantastic.
Obviously, the Nick Cage one that is basically Nick Cage^2 to epic proportions. Plus it has that head-squished guy from Game of Thrones in it.
CNN+ is collapsing faster than Russia+