Big News About the Future of This Newsletter

And, like, my life

Mar 06, 2023

So here’s a weird thing that just happened:

I’ve been hired to write for a late-night television program on something called the Fox News Channel. Gutman? Grofeld? Something like that.

I think it’s this guy?

Yeah, that’s the one. I’m gonna write down words for people to say out loud on that show. Weird, right?

So you know what that means…

Goodbye forever, suckers!

Just kidding. But seriously, as of next week I really will be writing part-time for Gutfeld!, the only late-night show with the punctuation built right in. Last year I gave G̶r̶e̶g̶ Mr. Gutfeld a free subscription to this newsletter, and he likes it so much that he’s hiring me. Finally, I’ll get back that 50 bucks he owes me!1

The Gutfeld thing is a freelance part-time gig, so I plan to keep doing this newsletter.

Let me say that again, even though somebody is bound to bug me about it anyway:

I PLAN TO KEEP DOING THIS NEWSLETTER. I AM NOT CANCELLING THIS NEWSLETTER.

I just need to figure out what that will look like now. It won’t be five days a week anymore, that’s for sure. But how often? Some guys with a lot more subscribers update only once a week, or even less. Should I lower the price, or just prepare for an inevitable drop in subscribers? I’m still trying to figure that stuff out.

Another option would be to pause the newsletter for a few weeks while I learn the new job. Just like hitting the Pause button on a VCR (videocassette recorder). Here’s what Substack says about that:

“Pausing lets you take a break from writing. When you pause, the billing cycles for your subscribers will be frozen. New readers will not be able to pay, and existing subscribers won’t be charged. You can stay on pause for as long as you need, and when you’re ready to start publishing again, you can unpause to resume the billing cycles of your subscribers.”

And paid subscribers will still have access to all my old newsletters and their tasty goodness. Then, once I get up to speed at the new gig, I can hit Play again.

Here’s the idea in emoji form: ⏸️ ▶️ 👍

Pausing makes sense, right? Seems fair to everybody. I’m gravitating toward that idea.

As I keep reminding myself: These are all good problems to have. I’ve never really had many of those. Most my problems so far have been bad.

The format and frequency of this newsletter just fell into place about five minutes before I started it, back in the summer of 2021: 1,000 words every weekday at noon, whether I felt like it or not. Frequent enough to be timely, but not the ludicrous “five a day” publishing schedule I was expected to keep when I was cranking out clickbait.

I proved to myself that I can keep that kind of schedule. But now that I’ll be working on a show that airs every day — a “daily show,” if you will — I need to rethink this newsletter. It will continue, but it won’t be my sole focus or means of financial support.2

This is a huge opportunity, and I’m supercalifragilistically pumped about it. But I also want to do right by you, dear reader. You stuck with me when everybody else turned their backs, and I don’t take you for granted. You’ve kept me going, and now I want to keep this newsletter going. Thanks in advance for working with me on this.

That said, I think I might take it easy this week. Clear my head for the new job, try to think everything through, etc. Plus, I’m just so tired. A good kinda tired, but still tired. So if I don’t post a lot this week, that’s why.

I’ve been biting my tongue about this possibility for three months now, and it’s nice to be able to blab. Finally!

Stop me if think that you’ve heard this one before:

Knock, knock.
But why the hell would Gutfeld hire you? You’re not funny!
I know, right?

About 15 years ago, I did some writing for the Daily Gut, which was G̶r̶e̶g̶'̶s̶ Mr. Gutfeld’s personal blog at the time. He had just debuted Red Eye and didn’t have time to update his site every day, and somehow I talked my way into helping. It took a decade and a half, but eventually I networked my way onto a network.

Come to think of it, this is also a great chance to train myself not to tweet so damn much. Now, whenever I come up with a good joke, I’ll actually get paid for it! A paycheck releases at least as many endorphins as a tweet, plus you get the money.