Ben & Jerry Want America to Return Mt. Rushmore

Wait, what?

Ice cream manufacturers and dumb leftists Ben & Jerry are back at it, and this time they’ve found a new reason to bash America on the Fourth of July: Mt. Rushmore was stolen!

Wait, what?

The junk food-makers posted an essay on benandjerry.com, claiming:

“Ah, the Fourth of July. Who doesn’t love a good parade, some tasty barbecue, and a stirring fireworks display? The only problem with all that, though, is that it can distract from an essential truth about this nation’s birth: The US was founded on stolen Indigenous land. 

“This year, let’s commit to returning it. 

“Here’s why we need to start with Mount Rushmore.”

Return Mt. Rushmore. What could be more patriotic?

How would that work, exactly? Do we need to box it up ourselves to return it? Do the original owners send us an address label?

Remember: Those two fat old men make overpriced ice cream. That’s the only reason you’ve even heard of them. Ice cream.

The Chunky Monkey flunkies continue:

“The Black Hills are known to the Lakota as ‘the heart of everything that is.’ After decades fighting to keep colonizers off their land, the Lakota and other tribes signed the Fort Laramie treaties of 1851 and 1868, establishing a 35-million-acre ‘permanent home’ for them that included the Black Hills. 

“What’s your definition of ‘permanent’? Well, to US officials at the time, it apparently was something along the lines of ‘until gold is discovered.’ The government broke those treaties only a few years later, when gold prospectors and settlers flooded in and carved up the land for themselves.”

Sounds like the Native Americans learned the same lesson the rest of us have had to learn for ourselves: You can’t trust the government.

And remember:

“The faces on Mount Rushmore are the faces of men who actively worked to destroy Indigenous cultures and ways of life, to deny Indigenous people their basic rights.”

Weird. Those are also the faces on our money, which Ben & Jerry will accept without question. Those two are worth a huge pile of dollar bills with George Washington’s face on them. Are they gonna give all those back too?

Hell, every last cent they’ve earned has Abraham Lincoln’s face on it. They should give back every single penny, right? Get rid of all those evil white faces!

No, that would be crazy. Because they’re rich. So rich that they can afford to wag their sticky, slimy fingers at their own customers.

And what about the land Ben & Jerry’s uses to make their ice cream? Their factory is in Waterbury, Vermont. The Abenaki and Mohican tribes lived there long before the evil white man showed up. Why don’t Ben & Jerry give that land back? Isn’t that land sacred to the people who used to own it?

And as Utah Congressman Mike Lee points out:

“Ben & Jerry’s are awfully smug and lippy for a sub-brand of the massive Anglo-Dutch conglomerate Unilever. I’m not sure they fully understand the legacy of the respective Dutch and British colonial powers.”

Right? If you go back far enough, nobody’s hands are clean. Are we all supposed to pack up and move back where our ancestors came from, because of things that happened long before we were born? 

That sounds like something a racist would say.

Those lactose-tolerant weirdos have been doing this crap for years. There isn’t a lefty cause they haven’t championed, from Occupy Wall Street to BLM. And so far, they’ve always gotten away with it.

But we’re in a different world now, aren’t we?

Most Americans are tired of this nonsense. They’re just trying to live their lives, man. They’re going to work every day. They’re raising their families. And sometimes they want a treat. Like some ice cream. Or a beer. Or a trip to Target. 

And what do they get instead? A stern scolding. A reminder that they’re evil. They’re racist and transphobic and every other bad thing in the world.

Who needs it? Americans will just take their business elsewhere. That’s why Bud Light is about as popular right now as Indiana Jones.

There are a lot of brands out there — beer, ice cream, whatever — and most of them don’t try to make you feel like $#!+ for buying them.

Look, it’s true that we shouldn’t forget the sins of the past. We should remember our history and learn from it. But that doesn’t make us responsible for it.

I propose a new Ben & Jerry’s flavor: Shut the Chunk Up. It’s just plain vanilla, but at least you don’t get scolded by the guy who sells it to you.

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