Week Sauce (9/7)

Weekend immune system

George Clooney now says Joe Biden is the most selfless president since George Washington.
True! Neither man has a self anymore, because they’re both dead.

Hunter Biden has agreed to plead guilty to federal tax charges.
When asked to explain his decision, Hunter replied: “Pardon me.”

This week Barron Trump began attending New York University.
He was accompanied by several Secret Service agents… but don’t worry, he’s okay.

Casey Anthony has been dating a married father of two.
Fortunately, his kids are old enough to defend themselves.

While campaigning at the Minnesota State Fair, Tim Walz ran away when asked about Hamas executing six Israeli hostages.
Well, he didn’t so much run as waddle. Chunky fella.

Amy Slaton, star of 1,000-Lb Sisters, was arrested at a Tennessee zoo and charged with drug possession and child endangerment.
Police managed to track Slaton down even though she was hiding in the sea lion exhibit.

An international team of scientists proposes to preserve endangered species by storing their DNA in a vault on the moon.
Which is a great plan until it gets blown up.

Oregon has rolled back a 2020 law decriminalizing hard drugs.
In their defense, the lawmakers who came up with that idea were super-high.

Revelers at this year’s Burning Man festival in the Nevada desert had to endure a huge dust storm as they tried to leave.
Fortunately, they were all able to get back to the jobs they don’t have.

Canada is cracking down on immigration, turning away thousands more foreign travelers than usual.
Wow, who knew those guys were so racist up there?

A former high-ranking aide to Kathy Hochul and Andrew Cuomo has been arrested for acting as a foreign agent for the Chinese Communist Party.
I thought that was just called “being a Democrat”?

New polling shows that Tim Walz is actually hurting Kamala Harris in his home state.
Of course, that’s assuming he’s actually from Minnesota and not Wisconsin. See, because he’s a huge liar.

Psychologists say people who believe they’re physically attractive also believe they’re more important than everyone else.
That’s ridiculous. I don’t believe it, I know it!

Michael Keaton says he’ll start using his real last name professionally, and will be billed as Michael Keaton Douglas.
When reached for comment, the other Michael Douglas said: “Not now, I’m banging Catherine Zeta-Jones.”

Australian “breakdancer” Raygun says she still hasn’t watched her own routine from the 2024 Paris Olympics.
Nonetheless, she hopes she opened the door for future competitors with no talent.

The Secret Service’s DEI office is offering a few lucky agents an all-expense-paid trip to Disney World to attend an LGBTQ conference.
The goal is to break the stereotype that gay people are good at their jobs.

Joe Biden has finally admitted that the “Inflation Reduction Act” has nothing to do with reducing inflation.
Now he just needs to admit he’s not actually the president.

Kamala Harris picked up two big endorsements this week: Liz Cheney and Vladimir Putin.
There’s no joke here; we’re just glad those two finally made a love connection.

Greta Thunberg was arrested yet again, this time for protesting at Copenhagen University because the physics department is named after a Jew.
“I like her style,” said one man.

Ian McKellen says when he met the late Queen Elizabeth, she was rude to him.
She was just jealous that she wasn’t the biggest queen.

The diary of Nashville school shooter and alleged transgender Audrey Hale was released this week.
Turns out she was completely nuts.

A new study shows that mental resilience could be the key to living longer.
But not necessarily.

Bill de Blasio posted a video of himself pouring shredded coconut on a slice of pizza and eating it.
In related news, New York still hasn’t brought back the death penalty.

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