Week Sauce (9/28)
Weekend immune system
Welcome to Week Sauce, where I share some jokes I wrote about the past week’s news for whatever reason.
Sorry this week’s edition is late, but the storm knocked out my power for 12 hours, all the way up here in Indianapolis. Looks like 40,000 people in the city are still without power. Hope you’re safe wherever you’re reading this.
Enjoy!
The Justice Department has released a handwritten letter, reportedly written by attempted Trump assassin Ryan Routh, apologizing for his failure and promising $150,000 to anyone who can “finish the job.”
He’s gonna make a great MSNBC host.
Within the past week, Hezbollah’s entire chain of command has been eliminated.
And pager sales in Lebanon have plummeted.
Lizzo took to Instagram to “clap back” at a follower who accused her of using Ozempic.
Also clapping back: Lizzo’s buttocks.
Macklemore has been dropped from the Neon City Festival in Las Vegas after leading a Seattle crowd in a chant of “F*** America.”
I bet I know who he’ll blame.
A Haitian group from Ohio has called for the arrest of J.D. Vance for spreading rumors about their community.
They even built a little jail and put a voodoo doll in it.
Scientists in Japan say the proteins in meat and milk can help prevent cancer in the small intestine.
The prospect of humans living longer, happier lives has infuriated vegans.
During a rally in North Carolina, Donald Trump picked up two of his grandchildren so they could address the crowd.
It’s unknown whether Joe Biden can lift his grandchildren, or even count them.
President Biden met with Martin Sheen and other actors from The West Wing.
Biden said he loved the show, but he still doesn’t understand what was up with the Smoke Monster.