Welcome to Week Sauce, where I share some jokes I wrote about the past week’s events.
And this week, I’m trying something new for people who want me to read some of the jokes out loud.
If you like even one of my dopey little gags, I hope you’ll buy a subscription. It’s the only way I can keep this newsletter going.
Either way, enjoy!
Researchers say cuddling with your cat can calm you down and reduce stress.
That’s right: Nothing improves your mood like a little [BLEEP].
Even after Charlie Kirk’s assassination, Jasmine Crockett refuses to apologize for comparing Donald Trump to Hitler.
The president then responded by not throwing her in a concentration camp. See, because that’s what happened to Germans who criticized Hitler.
In Ohio, a Catholic nun celebrated her 105th birthday by playing a round of golf.
Although she’s never had a hole in one, nor one in a hole. Sorry, Mom.
A new survey has revealed the reasons that some adults remain virgins.
The number one answer? Haven’t had sex.
In Florida, a prostitute was arrested for spraying a man with silly string and then hitting him in the head with the empty can.
I assume that costs extra?
Jimmy Kimmel gave a confrontational, self-pitying non-apology last night, after blaming Trump voters for the murder of one of their friends.
In other words, it was just another Tuesday.
CNBC’s Jim Cramer says that after his commentary caused a company’s stock to crash in 2021, he was recovering from back surgery and pulled out his catheter in a panic.
Even worse: He was trying to put it back in. See, because he always gets everything wrong.
According to newly released court records, former national security advisor John Bolton was illegally storing confidential materials.
It took DOJ agents several days to retrieve all the documents from his mustache.
In Japan, 22-year-old Ryusei Yonee [ree-YOO-say YO-nee. I think?] has broken the Guinness World Record for running on all fours.
When reached for comment, Yonee was too busy licking his own [BLEEP].
Under new EU regulations, Americans flying to Europe will need to submit to biometric identification.
And, if traveling to France, they’ll be prevented from smuggling in any soap. Or the English language.
This Halloween, legendary rock band Queen will reissue “Bohemian Rhapsody” on transparent blue vinyl.
And in honor of the late Freddie Mercury, the label is embedded with a line of white dust. See, because he loved cocaine.
In India, strongman Vispy Kharadi [Sounds kinda like “wispy” and then either “karate” or “Carradine” without the “n”] broke the Guinness World Record for holding up two Hercules Pillars weighing almost 600 pounds each.
He plans to use his newfound fame to find someone willing to wipe his [BLEEP] for the rest of his life. See, because he can’t use his arms anymore.
Harry Potter actress Emma Watson says she loves J.K. Rowling and accepts their differences on trans issues, despite openly condemning her in 2020.
When reached for comment, Rowling replied: “Crucio!” I don’t know what that means.