Week Sauce (7/20)

Weekend immune system

RFK Jr. just got some good news and bad news. The good news is he’s finally getting Secret Service protection.
That’s also the bad news.

Authorities say Thomas Crooks, the man who almost assassinated Donald Trump, was a dietary aide at a Pittsburgh nursing home.
Fittingly, his head is now a lasagna.

Secret Service Director Kimberly Cheatle says she didn’t post any agents on the roof the Trump shooter used, because it was sloped and they could’ve fallen.
Gotta love moms, am I right?

During a Tenacious D concert in Australia, Jack Black’s bandmate Kyle Gass made the following birthday wish: “Don’t miss Trump next time.”
I’d demand a Secret Service investigation, but they’re busy hiring more dumpy 5’2” lesbians.

In response to the outcry, Tenacious D has cancelled their upcoming “Rock D Vote” tour.
Now we’ll never know who they wanted us to vote for!

Dubai Princess Shaikha Mahra has dumped her husband on Instagram, writing, “As you are occupied with other companions, I divorce you.”
“I had no idea it was that easy,” said one woman.

When Lester Holt asked Biden who his closest advisor is, Biden replied: “Me.”
That’s the only name he could remember.