Welcome to Week Sauce, where I share some jokes I wrote about the past week’s events. And if you’ve ever wanted to hear me read them out loud, I’m about to make you regret it.
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A cafe in Dubai has set a Guinness World Record for most expensive cup of coffee: $680.
They use the finest beans in the world, the rarest equipment, and a gold-infused marker to misspell your name. At least I got to keep the cup.
In Vietnam, a man named Lưu Công Huyền broke the Guinness World Record for longest fingernails, measuring 19.5 feet long.
He also broke a second record: World’s Fullest Scrotum. See, because… yeah.
Australian scientists have developed a way for humans to resist shark bites.
It’s called: a house.
A new anthropology survey reveals some clues about why females of all species tend to live longer than the males.
The number one reason? Getting the last word.
Elvis Presley’s longtime personal cook is now revealing his secret eating habits.
His favorite food? Too much. Stop… it’s been like 50 years.
Scientists are experimenting with genetically altered salmonella as a possible cure for cancer.
The only issue is getting people to eat all that raw shrimp.
According to a new survey, more young adults than ever are using closed captions while watching TV.
That’s amazing. I didn’t even know they could read!
A.I. “actress” Tilly Norwood is shaking up Tinseltown, with human thespian Abigail Breslin responding: “If your agency is trying to sign an A.I. actor, you should leave them. It’s such a ‘F*** you’ to the entire craft.”
Wow, I say “F*** Hollywood” all the time. The robots really are like us!
A U.S. Navy submarine, which sank off the coast of San Diego during World War One, is now being studied remotely by naval scientists.
Which is weird, because it has nothing to do with oranges. Navel? Oranges? No? Okay.
In San Francisco, a professional “baby namer” is charging prospective parents between $200 and $10,000.
Her name? Gertrude Brunhilda Glickenschmidt. See, because she’s trying to keep you from naming your baby something like that.